APOLOGY FOR MY BAD ENGLISH!!!!
„Cinema Snobs silliest adventure!”
***
***
– Ah! Finally! Some well deserve free time! – said
Brad as he stretch his back and looked around the garden. All the beautiful
flowers he hd planted where getting finer and finer witch each and every day,
and even started to attacking some of the local birds.
– Boy, that sure was a swell film that I just review – he said refrencing the movie “One thirsty orgy of Lust street II – The bloody hooker lick!” – However – he add with a sparkle in his eye – I think I spent wey to many time in that old dusty house of mine! How can I take advantage of this sunny afternoon? Why... I know! – he snapped his fingers – I shall go to the woods and pick some wild flowers and make a garland for Sarah and Jillian! They sure would like that! And who knows? Maybe I’ll make a friend or two on my way there?
And so he was on his way strolling merrily through the street. Now believed or not It would be quite a trick for our pal Brad to make new friends since everybody in the neighbor already known him and loved him by the hearth. Now Brad was a bit sad by this since making new buddies was the biggest pleasure he so far experience in his life, but as his father once told him “What ever happened just remember to always have a big darn smile”
– Look ad that happy-go-lucky over there Cinema Snob! – the mailman shook his head as Brad walked by – Such a bright, good spirited lad! I wish my son would grow up to be just like him! I also wish to had a son... and a wife who didn’t divorse me – he whisper as he relies he was talking to himself all along and cried filling a horrendous emptiness inside.
– Wow! Getting to the woods sure takes a long, long way – said Brad filling a little bit tired but then... He stopped and notice something.
It was an alley. Now Brad past this alley many, many times but never really stopped and thought to see where it leads.
– Why, I'll bet it’s a shortcut! – he said being in his usual adventures spirit and march briskly curious of the wonders that he might meet upon.
At first the alley was pretty nice and peaceful but soon it got more and more spooky.
– Golly, this is just as creepy as that scary film about the sinful dwarf I review once – he stood and turn around – And it’s a middle of the day! Maybe I should go back and… AH! – he felt a cold hand on his shoulder which grab him from the behind.
Brad jump away and quickly turn around. It was man. A very fat man. He stood there with a big sack and a long, long stick in his hand.
– Hello Brad – he said grinning in a uncommon fashion.
– How… how do you know my name? – ask Brad as he shaken from fear not sure should he run or not.
– Ow I’ve seen you’re reviews on the internet – the man explain – 80’s Dan is so funny…
– Thanks… – Brand got a bit more comfortable and way less afraid. It was just one of his fans. True he was a bit scary but “who am I to judge and criticize other people” thought Brad getting even more comfortable and proud of who he was.
– Would you like some choclet? – ask the man taking an entire choclet bar from his pocket.
– DO I EVER? – Brad quickly grab the bar and took a big bite of the delicious tastefullness. The man was getting just more and more sympathethic.
– My dog is missing – said the man – Will you help me to find him?
– You’re dog…? – Brad worried as if there was one thing he loved more then anything it was animals – Why sure I join you! Why… Wait a second! This situation looks very familiar!
Brad close his eyes and try to have a flash back. Yes! It was the memory of the time he review “Too Smart for Strangers” for DVD-R Hell and all the advices Winnie the Pooh and his friends gave to know how to react in a similar situation.
– Why this man might be a stranger out to touch me in a way I don’t desire or like – Brad said to himself remembering the wisdom he learn from a man in a bear costume – Luckily I watched the TV special and now I’m too smart for strangers – he nodded his head and remebering all the now-how he learn approach the man very confident – Excuse me my good sir but... are you a piglet?
– Oink, oink! – reply the man and licked his lips twice.
– Well, that’s good enough for me – smile Brad with relief remembering Winnie the Pooh quote "The stranger is someone a piglet is not" – I’m sorry I was ever foolish enough too think you’re a stranger! Let’s go searching for that lost dog – he said turning around so happy he may finally make a new friend and then… Things went dark...
***
– Boy, that sure was a swell film that I just review – he said refrencing the movie “One thirsty orgy of Lust street II – The bloody hooker lick!” – However – he add with a sparkle in his eye – I think I spent wey to many time in that old dusty house of mine! How can I take advantage of this sunny afternoon? Why... I know! – he snapped his fingers – I shall go to the woods and pick some wild flowers and make a garland for Sarah and Jillian! They sure would like that! And who knows? Maybe I’ll make a friend or two on my way there?
And so he was on his way strolling merrily through the street. Now believed or not It would be quite a trick for our pal Brad to make new friends since everybody in the neighbor already known him and loved him by the hearth. Now Brad was a bit sad by this since making new buddies was the biggest pleasure he so far experience in his life, but as his father once told him “What ever happened just remember to always have a big darn smile”
– Look ad that happy-go-lucky over there Cinema Snob! – the mailman shook his head as Brad walked by – Such a bright, good spirited lad! I wish my son would grow up to be just like him! I also wish to had a son... and a wife who didn’t divorse me – he whisper as he relies he was talking to himself all along and cried filling a horrendous emptiness inside.
– Wow! Getting to the woods sure takes a long, long way – said Brad filling a little bit tired but then... He stopped and notice something.
It was an alley. Now Brad past this alley many, many times but never really stopped and thought to see where it leads.
– Why, I'll bet it’s a shortcut! – he said being in his usual adventures spirit and march briskly curious of the wonders that he might meet upon.
At first the alley was pretty nice and peaceful but soon it got more and more spooky.
– Golly, this is just as creepy as that scary film about the sinful dwarf I review once – he stood and turn around – And it’s a middle of the day! Maybe I should go back and… AH! – he felt a cold hand on his shoulder which grab him from the behind.
Brad jump away and quickly turn around. It was man. A very fat man. He stood there with a big sack and a long, long stick in his hand.
– Hello Brad – he said grinning in a uncommon fashion.
– How… how do you know my name? – ask Brad as he shaken from fear not sure should he run or not.
– Ow I’ve seen you’re reviews on the internet – the man explain – 80’s Dan is so funny…
– Thanks… – Brand got a bit more comfortable and way less afraid. It was just one of his fans. True he was a bit scary but “who am I to judge and criticize other people” thought Brad getting even more comfortable and proud of who he was.
– Would you like some choclet? – ask the man taking an entire choclet bar from his pocket.
– DO I EVER? – Brad quickly grab the bar and took a big bite of the delicious tastefullness. The man was getting just more and more sympathethic.
– My dog is missing – said the man – Will you help me to find him?
– You’re dog…? – Brad worried as if there was one thing he loved more then anything it was animals – Why sure I join you! Why… Wait a second! This situation looks very familiar!
Brad close his eyes and try to have a flash back. Yes! It was the memory of the time he review “Too Smart for Strangers” for DVD-R Hell and all the advices Winnie the Pooh and his friends gave to know how to react in a similar situation.
– Why this man might be a stranger out to touch me in a way I don’t desire or like – Brad said to himself remembering the wisdom he learn from a man in a bear costume – Luckily I watched the TV special and now I’m too smart for strangers – he nodded his head and remebering all the now-how he learn approach the man very confident – Excuse me my good sir but... are you a piglet?
– Oink, oink! – reply the man and licked his lips twice.
– Well, that’s good enough for me – smile Brad with relief remembering Winnie the Pooh quote "The stranger is someone a piglet is not" – I’m sorry I was ever foolish enough too think you’re a stranger! Let’s go searching for that lost dog – he said turning around so happy he may finally make a new friend and then… Things went dark...
***
Brad wokeup several
hours later with a big pain in his head and taste of blood on his mouth. He was
tied up to a chair and had a funny filling which was hard to describe, but it wasn’t
pleasant. The fat man was standing in front of him holding Brad’s pants and sniffing
them as his grin grow larger and larger with each sniff.
– Excuse me but how I got here? – ask Brad who was as curious and wide opend as ever.
The man didn’t reply. He slowly move put the pants down and move toward Brad who finally notice or the knifes and mouthy magazines on the man’s table. He too his head and hum something as his stroked one of Brad cheeks.
– Pardon me Mr. – said Brad – but I’m not sure if we find you’re poor doggy any time soon if we keep sitting here playing strange games. No, what breed he was…
THE MAN SLAPED BRAD IN THE FACE!
– Owwww! – whimper Brad who finally realize what was going on – You gave me an unpleasant filling! Why… You’re a stranger, aren't you?
– Yes! – reply the man – Yes I’m!
– Oh, no! – Brad realise he got himself into some pretty darn big Stranger-danger – Winnie the Pooh advice didn’t work for some reason! I must did something wrong… Wait! Are you a tiger?
– No!
– Damn it! I should ask that... But wait! – Brad got a revelation – What did Pooh bear told me to do when a strange actually approach me…? Off course! – he said and got serious as possible - Now look here! This my body! I own it and this is how it meant to be! It's a sacred tample and you have no right to touch it…
– SHUT UP OR I CUT YOU!!! – screamed the man grabbing the biggest knife he had and swung it a couple of times in front of his victim face.
Brad of course got to scared and cowardly to continue his plan of ending his big speech and walking away.
– For years I watched you’re videos! – the man started a monolog – I was there from the very beginning! I’ve seen it all! Some twice! Some as far as even three! HELL! I can’t go to sleep without rewatching the Caligula one! I got obsesses over you! I lust over you!! I wanted to have you! Feel you! Smell you! And to understand… understand how can you be so snobbish about cinema! YOU KNOW WHAT I DID WHILE I WAS WATCHING THOSE VIDEOS!?
– Um... Eat some icream... ?
– SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! – the bad man scream once again and strike Brad right in the face twice – And now I finally have you! You’re mine! Mine forever!!! And now I’ll finally shall do something despicable I desire to do for a long, long time... TWICE!!!
– Ow, no! – Brad got pretty upset by this whole situation.
He didn't know if he could trust an advice from a man dressup like a bear in a Disney's tv special ever gain and the ironic thing was that the whole thing was getting more and more like most movies he review. If only he didn’t walk into that allay. But he did. And all it did was get him into a very sticky spot and he wasn't sure will he manage to get home beafore it get's dark so he could make some new reviews. All he could do is remember the wise words from his pappy “What ever happened just remember to always have a big darn smile” and “never tell anybody that I hit you’re mother or I make sure you’re never see her again and if you tell about that I shall chop of you’re hands you miserable little freak who shall go to hell and burn in the pits of Satan for touching him self!”
– This sure is a pickle – sigh Brad and decided to try to do one more brave thing before the grumpy stranger will make his another move – You know what I think? – he said with a serious frawn on his face – I think you’re shouldn’t treat people this way! No wonder you are a stranger! If you treat people this way they won’t like you and if more and more people won’t like you then soon you won’t have a single friend in a whole word!
– Holly fuck you’re right! – the shoked man let the knife from his hand – I didn’t though about this way! I…
– Excuse me but how I got here? – ask Brad who was as curious and wide opend as ever.
The man didn’t reply. He slowly move put the pants down and move toward Brad who finally notice or the knifes and mouthy magazines on the man’s table. He too his head and hum something as his stroked one of Brad cheeks.
– Pardon me Mr. – said Brad – but I’m not sure if we find you’re poor doggy any time soon if we keep sitting here playing strange games. No, what breed he was…
THE MAN SLAPED BRAD IN THE FACE!
– Owwww! – whimper Brad who finally realize what was going on – You gave me an unpleasant filling! Why… You’re a stranger, aren't you?
– Yes! – reply the man – Yes I’m!
– Oh, no! – Brad realise he got himself into some pretty darn big Stranger-danger – Winnie the Pooh advice didn’t work for some reason! I must did something wrong… Wait! Are you a tiger?
– No!
– Damn it! I should ask that... But wait! – Brad got a revelation – What did Pooh bear told me to do when a strange actually approach me…? Off course! – he said and got serious as possible - Now look here! This my body! I own it and this is how it meant to be! It's a sacred tample and you have no right to touch it…
– SHUT UP OR I CUT YOU!!! – screamed the man grabbing the biggest knife he had and swung it a couple of times in front of his victim face.
Brad of course got to scared and cowardly to continue his plan of ending his big speech and walking away.
– For years I watched you’re videos! – the man started a monolog – I was there from the very beginning! I’ve seen it all! Some twice! Some as far as even three! HELL! I can’t go to sleep without rewatching the Caligula one! I got obsesses over you! I lust over you!! I wanted to have you! Feel you! Smell you! And to understand… understand how can you be so snobbish about cinema! YOU KNOW WHAT I DID WHILE I WAS WATCHING THOSE VIDEOS!?
– Um... Eat some icream... ?
– SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! – the bad man scream once again and strike Brad right in the face twice – And now I finally have you! You’re mine! Mine forever!!! And now I’ll finally shall do something despicable I desire to do for a long, long time... TWICE!!!
– Ow, no! – Brad got pretty upset by this whole situation.
He didn't know if he could trust an advice from a man dressup like a bear in a Disney's tv special ever gain and the ironic thing was that the whole thing was getting more and more like most movies he review. If only he didn’t walk into that allay. But he did. And all it did was get him into a very sticky spot and he wasn't sure will he manage to get home beafore it get's dark so he could make some new reviews. All he could do is remember the wise words from his pappy “What ever happened just remember to always have a big darn smile” and “never tell anybody that I hit you’re mother or I make sure you’re never see her again and if you tell about that I shall chop of you’re hands you miserable little freak who shall go to hell and burn in the pits of Satan for touching him self!”
– This sure is a pickle – sigh Brad and decided to try to do one more brave thing before the grumpy stranger will make his another move – You know what I think? – he said with a serious frawn on his face – I think you’re shouldn’t treat people this way! No wonder you are a stranger! If you treat people this way they won’t like you and if more and more people won’t like you then soon you won’t have a single friend in a whole word!
– Holly fuck you’re right! – the shoked man let the knife from his hand – I didn’t though about this way! I…
Then Brad broke the lines he was tide up
with wit his might straight pull out his gun and shot the mother fucker in the
knee. As soon the asshole fell on the floor he kicked him In the face, then
kicked him one more time in the nuts, took a bottle of vodka took a big sip,
shot the dick of the villain three more times and then shot one more time into the ceiling because
his Cinema Snob and he’s awesome.
– Rest… in dead! – said the most badass way possible and left the house hiding the gun in his back pocket.
Brad stood out side and turn around with suspicion. Yep! He didn’t know this neighborhood. He march with a hope he will recognize a familiar street or a hose. But no, it was all new to him. THEN HE STOPED! It was another alley! It was as spooky and abounded as the last one, but this time Brad sure learned his lesson.
He took his cellophane, quickly press few buttons and looked at one of streets name.
– Hello, Sarah? I’m at the 22 Strawberry street! Can you drive here? I’m abut to walk into an alley and I don’t want to do it alone! – he said so proud of how this whole experience made him more wiser then ever…
By
Maciek Kur
– Rest… in dead! – said the most badass way possible and left the house hiding the gun in his back pocket.
Brad stood out side and turn around with suspicion. Yep! He didn’t know this neighborhood. He march with a hope he will recognize a familiar street or a hose. But no, it was all new to him. THEN HE STOPED! It was another alley! It was as spooky and abounded as the last one, but this time Brad sure learned his lesson.
He took his cellophane, quickly press few buttons and looked at one of streets name.
– Hello, Sarah? I’m at the 22 Strawberry street! Can you drive here? I’m abut to walk into an alley and I don’t want to do it alone! – he said so proud of how this whole experience made him more wiser then ever…
By
Maciek Kur
