Linkara in „In
the dark of the lamp”
***
***
Linkara took a big breath of air and once again clenched his fist as he
looked with disgust on all the emails he got from his fans. This time it wasn’t
any better. No! In fact his frustration was just growing larger and larger.
All the emails, all the comments from the comment sections, all the forums and all the
tweets. It was nothing but tons and tons of requests to review LAMPS!
“Ow, please Mr. Linkara will you ever so kindly review my lamp?”
“Yo Linkara! I know this one table lamp which is just dying for you to
review it”
“Hey man, no offence but I think you seriously should review more oil
lamps! Not just electric. Are you oilo-phobic ore something?”
“Do you review lanterns as well?”
– Ow, for the love of… !!!! – Linkara got so angry he hit his keyboard
with his fist – Enough is enough! – he yelled into heavens – Ever since
SadPanda did that stupid joke on his show people do nothing but associate me
with freaking lamps!!!!! I’m getting overwhelmed with lamp-requests, some
people actually send me their lamps so I can review them, some jackass
subscribe me to “Lamp of the week club”, so now I'm geting their
“Lamp-tastic catalog” every month and I swear if somebody will make that stupid pun about “lighting
up my show” one more time his getting a bullet from my magic gun in the middle
of his face!!!
Than he heard a theme song for Captain America and
quickly answer his phone.
– Hey Linkara, it’s the Nostalgia
Critic. I’m pointing out it’s me because I’m such a incredible egomaniac and I
wonder would you like to join for a crossover? I’m planning to review “Aladdin”
and…
– THAT’S THE LAST STRAW!!! – Linkara got so mad he thrown his phone out
the window.
He took his hands behind his back and start walking around the room. He
thought and thought and finally he spoken…
– Well I’m not going to be bully around by some mare internet nerd! They
not going to change who I’m! My name is Linkara! I review comic books damn it!
It’s in my blood! That’s what my family did generation by generation and that’s
what I’m sticking with! – he nod his head proudly and with a tear with his eye
put his right hand on his hart as his clans motto - “Comic books… are cool!”
Than somebody run inside the room. It was the 90’s Kid!
– Duuuuuude! – he yelled – You better
get run man! SHE is coming and she’s mad!
– “She”? – Linkara got puzzled – Who
are we exactly talking about?
– Ow, come on dude! You know this one
– reply the 90’s Kid – Its… Aaaaaah!!! – he scream in pain as he felt on the
ground.
It was the deadly touch... The deadly touch of…
–
Lustkara! –
Linkara shouted angrily.
Yes! It was Lustkara! The mistress of all evil… and Linkara’s
ex-girlfriend. She was standing there smiling cynically and holding a leash
with Doctor Insano on the end. Poor Insaneo was shaking and crawling on the floor whimpering scared while squealing something.
– Well, well we meet again big boy! – she lick her mouth – Can I still call
you Spock'y? Or do you prefer any of you’re other pet names?
– What have you done to Insaneo? – ask Linakra pulling out his magic
gun.
–
Noting – reply
Lustkara – He was always this way…
– Huh… I guess you’re right on this one –
Linkara scratch his head – But what do you want?
–
What anybody who
know you for longer then two weeks want? - she smiled - REVANGE! You see I’m not like those
two-dimensional villains you always fight on your pathetic show like Lord Vyce,
Frank Miller or that fool Mechakara! No…
I’m more like those villains Batman fights! I’m actually have complex
dark back-story explaining why I become the way I’m so the viewers slash
readers can sympathies with me! You see the reason I’m so obsess with taking vengeance upon you for dumping
me… for being to evil! Ow, guys dump me all the time and I can take it… but the
fact you rejected me do to prejudges against evil people? That hurts, you know?
How would you feel if a women you love left you for being a positive
protagonist? Huh?
–
Ow, Lustkara you got it all wrong – Linakra
started explaining – It was never about you being pure demonic personification
of evil! It’s just the way you always where biting of heads of sleeping kittens after
every meal, and the way you couldn’t
pass a church without throwing a rock at it or the tendency to brake into
villainous songs while you where a sleep… Ok! I admit! So maybe a do have a bit
of a problem with you being evil…
–
See? See? – she
yield.
–
Plus to be honest the whole
thing about you killing people with the touch of your hands made sex night
pretty awkward…
–
After you left I had
hard to get over it! – she continue – I try to date Phelous but ironic enough I
wasn’t evil enough for his standards… But now I’m back and ready to kick some
Linkara ass!
–
You harlot! You
know I can’t hit a women – said Linkara – But I can very well shot one with my
magic gun!
He pull the trigger, shot
the Lustcara but she manage to dock the bullet before it hit her.
–
Fool! Do you
really think I want fight you in a hand to hand combat? – she laugh – First of
all I’m a girl and this fan-fiction is written by a sexist asshole so I’m to
weak and cowardly to fight a man…
– Why do I have hunch CR would have a blast drawing you...?
–
DON’T INTERUPT
ME! Second - why I would waste time
if I can have one of my many minions kill you? See you in hell! I’m dropping by
each weekend!
She laugh and vanish leaving Insano
and… a big scary monster. Ow, Linkara fought many wired being before but this
one was the weirdest. It had a light bulb for a head, cables for hands and…
–
Ow, damn it!
This thing looks like a big lamp! – Linkara roll his eyes – This is just
freakingtastic!
–
This is not just
any ordinary lamp! – explain Insano while trying to couth a breath – It a being
called Cordpopo! There are a special breed of technology demos and…
And Linkara quickly duck on the floor as the Lamp beast Cordpopo shot a
laser bin in his direction. He try to
shot he creature with his gun but it wasn’t working.
– It pointless – explain Insano running to Linkara – Those thing are
resistant to magic! Lustkara left me here so it could kill both of us!
–
You dump her as
well? – ask Linkara.
–
No she just
can’t stand my voice… She’s evil you know? – he explain and they both hide
behind the sofa before the monster shot them with another beam from his bulb.
–
Damn it! – said
Linkara – And I barrow my spaceship to the Cinema Snob for a joy ride! Heavens
have mercy on his snobbish soul if it will smell like beer again, after he
return it!
–
I personally
blame you – said Insano – This wouldn’t happened if you just stick to
reviewing comic books and stop putting
those boring story arcs into every episode! Who cares about back story o your gun...
–
Hey screw you! –
Linkara got angry – You have no right to criticize me, you...
–
“Criticize”!? –
Insano got an idea – That’s it! Everybody know that Cordpopo beasts can’t stand
public criticism! It’s like their kryptonite! Quickly! You must…
–
Ow, NO, NO, NO!
– Linkara know where this is going – I know where this is going! This is all
some stupid plot device to put me in a ironic situation so I could review a
lamp to save our lives so at the end I would go “You know I was wrong about this whole lamp
review thing, maybe I should get it a try...” WELL FORGET IT!! THERE IS NO WAY I…
Then he felt something
around his neck! It was cable strangling his neck! It was The Cordpopo beast.
–
Quick! – yield
Insano pulling out a camera – Review it! My special Insane-o-camera will send
it on line in the nick of time..
–
NO! – scream Linkara and then the cable just
squish his neck tidier – Ok… Here I go… – he finally said chocking and Insaneo
started filming – Hello and welcome to "The Top of Light Bulb!" Where lamps burn
out... You know what I’m getting sick of ? It’s those damn Cordpopo lamp beasts!
Their bulbs don’t gave enough lights to read a book but way to many killer laser beans, their
resistant to magic so I can’t killed them and their cable are strangling my
neck to hard for me to finish this review… Overall : this lamp sucks! True the
color it neat and It may look classy in the corner but as far I have no
rejected against demonic beings killing people just goes against any thing a
good lamp stand for. It’s like “One more day” of lamps! I gave it two stars out
of five!
–
And… send! –
Insaneo press a button on his camera.
The Cordpopo just howl loudly and drop dead.
–
Well that’s the end
of that chapter – said Insaneo – It’s time for me to go…
– Nope!
– reply Linkara – Put the camera on! If I learn something from all of this “If you
can’t beat destiny, join it!” So let’s dig in into this lovely chandelier… – he said and started another review…
THE END
By. MACIEK KUR
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